The Overwhelm and Delight of Purpose

At one point or another in your life, I bet you were asked “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I discussed this in a previous post, but when I was in 2nd grade, I wanted to be an architect. I was so sure of it at the time, and I find it funny that I chose that as my future career because it does not really fit with who I am as an adult. Children are full of wonder, trust, and excitement in their youth, and this question seems like a simple one to them. They think about all the cool possibilities and things they could do in the future and choose something with confidence. An astronaut....sure! A doctor…no problem! A ballerina…of course! As we get older, this question becomes more heavy and real. “What do I want to be when I grow up?” The weight of the responsibility and uncertainty starts to feel overwhelming. As I thought and wrestled with this decision, I was led to another overwhelming question. It was no longer simply “What do I want to be when I grow up?” but “What is my purpose in life?”

The word purpose is much more than a word. There is so much that goes into that word and essentially is the reason you were brought into this world. We all have a purpose, something that we are meant to accomplish during our life, but trying to figure it out on our own feels impossible. We don’t want to make the wrong decision or miss an opportunity that we were supposed to say yes to. It feels like if we take one wrong turn on our path that we might end up somewhere we don’t want to be. When you let yourself think deeply about all of these thoughts and possibilities, the purpose of life feels like it might just crush you under its weight. Well, I’m glad to tell you a truth that you most likely already know….God will fulfill your purpose, God’s timing is perfect.

I don’t know about you, but when I get overwhelmed by life and all the things I would like to do during my time on earth, I try to come back to this foundational truth. He knows where I have been, where I am, and where I will go. My purpose on earth was ordained before I was even conceived. He knew how many hairs would be on my head, what my children would be named, and what I would be when I grew up. He knows when all of my major life events will happen and his timing is perfect. I sigh a huge sigh of relief when I remember this.

In the past few years (mostly throughout the pandemic) there have been so many things that have had to be changed, canceled, rescheduled, and we all got used to being a little more “go with the flow.” It wasn’t by choice of course, but it was just the nature of the state of the world we were/are living in. This time in life was so difficult for many (myself included), but one gift that it brought me was the beginning of the journey to slowing down and surrendering to the plan that was made for me. The reminder that God’s timing is perfect. Looking back, this journey truly began when my husband and I decided we wanted to become parents.

I am a planner, or an over-planner is more accurate. Planning brings a lot of balance into my life and helps me to achieve more than I would be able to do without it, but in the past, it has caused me to try to control too much. When my husband and I decided we were ready to start a family in 2016, we made a plan. If the plan went “according to plan” I would be pregnant by July and have a baby in the spring. I told myself that I wouldn’t be upset if it didn’t all happen perfectly and that I would trust God’s timing. When I didn’t get pregnant the first month, I felt defeated. I immediately thought something was wrong with me and that my whole plan was messed up. By God’s grace and blessing, we were pregnant with Braxton, my oldest son, the next month. God’s timing was perfect, but I was still wrapped up in my timing.

**Side note to this story, I wanted to have a baby in the spring because it worked better for our lives and schedule (hello control freak), and Braxton’s due date was the last day of school. I was worried about not having enough maternity leave and time with him at home and overall a little frustrated about when he would be born. Low and behold he showed up a month early (another story for another time!) and I was able to have an extra 4 weeks with him before I went back to work. God’s timing is perfect.

Postpartum was tough for me and there were days when I felt like each day was a year-long, but the days slowly turned into months, then actual years, and I started to see the balance coming back. The funny thing about babies is that they grow and become the precious little toddlers and it’s like you can’t remember how hard it was in the beginning. It’s all a blur and you can’t believe it was that bad, so what do you do? You have another one.

We decided when Braxton was around 18 months old we would try for another baby. It took a few months and I was a little less controlling this time around (my husband may disagree), but in January 2019 we found out that Braxton would be a big brother. We were thrilled and so excited. In early March, our world was rocked when we lost our baby. I was 10 weeks along and after having concerning bleeding we went to the doctor and were told there was no longer a heartbeat. I was so hurt, so confused, and questioned why it had to happen this way. It was not part of the plan. I wasn’t sure I wanted to try for another for a while because my heart was hurting so badly, but the next month I found out I was pregnant with my precious Bo. God’s timing is perfect.

This was the beginning of truly starting to surrender and obey his plan for my life. I saw that if I trusted and keep moving forward without so much worry and control, life would happen just the way it was supposed to. During my miscarriage, I had the ideas for several of my children’s books and had no idea where it would take me. It was a seed planted by my precious angel in heaven who gets to spend his or her days right next to God. Together they helped me to slow down, stop controlling, and start to discover my plan and my purpose.

I know now that I am older, that my purpose on Earth is helping others. Exactly how is still slowly unfolding. I am a teacher, a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and an author. All these things will ultimately help me to find who I am and what I am meant to be while I am on Earth. I am learning to delight in the purposes I have uncovered and in the ones still to come. I delight in the fact that he is shaping me every day with new people, experiences, and lessons. I know that I will continue to pursue my purpose day in and day out until I can enter the gates of Heaven and ask God for myself, “Did I fulfill my purpose in life?”